Unanswered questions Biological

Sometimes, when I’m sitting around feeling sorry for myself, I wonder why my biological parents didn’t want me.  The story my brother told me was that I was taken away from the home because of neglect. That’s all he had to say about it, he didn’t have any other explanation.  He was told it wasn’t any sexual just neglected by not changing my diapers and I suppose not feeding  me.

What parents seem to neglect some children and I love other children?  My biological brother is one year older than me and apparently they took care of him. I think I’m focusing on the story he told me too much as if that were the truth. I think maybe that wasn’t the truth because it doesn’t make any sense. Why me, why not him? I’m not my younger brother?

And you would think about it if I was just taken away because I was been neglected don’t you think they would’ve wanted me back at some time. How come I wasn’t placed with other family members? Why was I put up for adoption so quickly? You mean to tell me that no other of my relatives grandparents or anybody would have wanted to take care of me and keep me in the family instead of letting me being put up for adoption. 

I also find it interesting that our aunt is still keeping it a secret and not divulging the entire truth. What is left to hide, everybody’s grown-up.   We are all adults now. 

Why did nobody want to look for me the way I looked my whole life for them.  I’m still searching for answers and nobody is asking any questions of me? 

Do you think it’s possible they still don’t care?

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Posted in adoption, adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, awareness, brother, Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety, depression awareness, incest, love, parent death, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, suicide prevention, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Not good enough

After the shitty day I had at work I think I’ll talk about not feeling good enough. Not being good enough to have a decent job. Not good enough to have a decent position in a shitty job. Not good enough to have any good things happen to me.  

I’m sure it’s not just me is it? I’ve sure a lot of other people with PTSD and depression feel the same things I do. Don’t you get tired of it? I am. I am tired of it now.

Why does it seem like nothing good can happen? That always seems like you’re living in some sort of hell! 

I’m tired of going to therapy every week to try to get better but nothing seems to get any better the same old shit. How is it that we’re not supposed to feel like giving up.

Do you know how people talk about karma, getting back good things. Well I think that’s bullshit I don’t care what religion is this what you believe I do good things. I do good things without expecting anything back just to try to be nice to others.  Where is my good karma for that is it the fact that my life isn’t any worse than it is? That’s just great. I know I’m supposed be happy with what I have but I’m not.

I don’t even care enough right now to fix my bad spelling and shit. 

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Toss up

I have so many thoughts in my head I don’t know which to talk about. Should I talk about my anxiety and feelings of never being good enough, never getting a good job again?  How long is my brain going to be fucked up from my childhood sexual abuse.  I’m tired of trying to fix myself! 

Just now I was looking up why children get taken from the home for neglect. Not now but in the 1960’s, when I was.   Just how bad was the abuse, why didn’t they take my brother too? Why did it seem to happen so fast, being taken out of the home then subsequently adopted.  Why does my biological family keep it a secret?  

What the fuck happened to me?

Why is it so fucking hard to find out anything? I don’t think I’ll ever give up on these questions. 

I’ll be writing more frequently now, I want to get this shit off my chest!

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ANXIOUS RANT

It’s been almost two months since I’ve written.  I’m off the Latuda because it made my blood sugar too high. So, I am trying something different. 

My brain has been on pretty much of an even keel since I have been on these bi-polar meds. The worst part is that I have to take an additional pill with it to counteract the side effects. I haven’t really had anxiety since I’ve been on them, until today (Sunday April 30).

I even got a job dealing with people! Not the smartest decision on my part, but I needed a job and of all the applications I submitted this was the only place that called.  I’ve been working a lot, maybe too much, but I haven’t had any issues.

So, back to today…

I was on my way home from work and a car pulled out in front of me.  I slammed on the brakes but hit him anyway. It’s like he waited for me to get there before pulling out onto the street.  Minor damage to my car, but he’ll probably need a new front quarter panel on the passenger side.  So, of course they wanted to exchange insurance information. 

After I hit him he keeps on going, completing his entry onto the street. I have to follow him two blocks until he pulls off the street, blaring my horn the whole time. I really need a PA system for my car. Actually it’s not even my car, it’s my girlfriends car. I park next to him. I’m out of my car already, standing in front of their car, waiting for the man and his lady friend to get out. One look into the car and I say to myself “great old people, snowbirds”.  (Snowbirds are older retired people who come down to Florida for the winter to use all of our resources, make the cost of everything sky high and we’re  supposed to be thankful they’re here because they provide jobs!) GO HOME!

The man driving is in his 80’s, can’t hear, can’t move too good and needed to have his lady do all the talking and do everything for him.  My anxiety is pretty much topped out now. I raise my hands and ask what happened, why did he pull out? The lady says it was her fault, she told him to go. Then she tried to blame me and say I must have been going like a bat out of hell because she didn’t see me.  What the fuck ever! 

Apparently she thought I was getting too upset because she told me to calm down.  With my history of blowing up at people ,I was extremely calm. Hell yes, I was upset. I was shaking and I wanted to cry. Great reaction, crying, but I didn’t. 

She called the police, they wouldn’t come because no one was hurt.  What the hell is up with that? I called my girlfriend to come because it’s her car.  Short story, she told me I should try to remain calm too. I was doing the best I could. 

That’s the real point of this post. Why do people always tell me to calm down? I HATE THAT! Maybe I’m too upset for your comfort, but to me I was handling it a lot better than I used to. What I would have liked to do was scream at the guy that he was a fucking idiot and so was his friend who was co-piloting! I would have liked to punch someone in the face! I would have liked to collapse and break down in tears because I couldn’t handle the stress and anxious feeling I was experiencing! But I did none of that! 

I was anxious because of the accident, the damage, the probability of insurance going up, anxious because they made me feel this way.Upset that I can’t calm myself down.  Anxious because that’s just me now. I hate me now! 

Do I need to carry my meds with me everywhere I go? I have a pill I’m supposed to take when I feel I’m getting anxiety. I don’t carry them on me because I’d have to carry the whole bottle or, knowing my luck, I’d end up in jail for not having the prescription bottle. I guess I do need to carry them with me every where I go.

Having anxiety sucks!

After all the information had been exchanged I continued on with the evening. Now here I am at 12:30am writing this because I can’t sleep.  Thanks anxiety. Thanks old people. Thanks Kreigh (my brother) for fucking up my life.

Remember I said at the beginning I had been on an even keel? That’s over now! Now I wonder why I’m still here. Why did I start therapy? Why didn’t I just let myself self destruct? Then I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this shit! This shit? Anxiety, depression, diabetes, high blood pressure, the list goes on. Why should I want to stick around for this life? It’s nothing but bullshit.  I’m fucking poor. No insurance, no Medicare or Medicaid. No disability for not being able to function well in society, PTSD. Bullshit! 

Now I can’t sleep. I need to sleep. I have to work. 

Sometimes I just say FUCK IT! 

Posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, brother, Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety, Diabetes, weight, diet, healthy, kidneys, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Latuda

I’ve officially started Latuda taking two weeks ago. It isn’t really seem to do much the first week, in fact I experienced a lot of anxiety, panic attacks, outbursts of vocal not physical. Although the second week, last week,  I started to feel a little better during the day.  After I take my pill,  about 2 or 3 hours later, I start feeling very anxious, very hot, so much so that I have to put ice on my head, and then I get extremely tired and have to go to bed.  Sometimes I sleep through the night, like last night I went to bed at 7:30 PM and woke up at 7:30 AM. Some nights when I get really tired like that from the medicine,I believe, and I’ll sleep maybe three hours and then wake up feeling anxious. Then I cannot sleep the rest of the night.

******(THE MOST COMMON SIDE EFFECTS OF LATUDA

In clinical studies the most common side effects with LATUDA included:
sleepiness or drowsiness
restlessness and feeling like you need to move around (akathisia) 

difficulty moving, slow movements, muscle stiffness, or tremor

 nausea.)*****
So, I’m curious,  does anyone else or has anyone else ever had this experience from taking Latuda or any other kind of mood stabilizing drugs? I absolutely hate this, I can’t stand the way it makes me feel I might as well not be taking medicine and as of today I’m calling my doctor because I don’t want to take it anymore.

Any and all feedback is welcome. 

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Another Episode

Yes, I had another HUGE anxiety episode today. I didn’t bother to mention the big trigger I had Thursday. 

I’ve started my new medication and it can’t start working fast enough. Basically it’s like three weeks without depression or anxiety medication because this shit isn’t working yet!  

I’m not sure I, or those around me, can wait two weeks for this (Latuda) to start working. I’m getting close to hospitalizing myself. I’ll wait and see what happens another day. 

IM FUCKING SICK OF THIS SHIT AND BEING ME! 

_________________________________________________

“Gloomy Sunday”

By Sarah McLaughlin
Sunday is Gloomy,

My hours are slumberless,

Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless

Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you

Angels have no thought of ever returning you

Would they be angry if I thought of joining you

Gloomy Sunday
Sunday is gloomy

with shadows I spend it all

My heart and I have decided to end it all

Soon there’ll be flowers and prayers that are sad,

I know, let them not weep,

Let them know that I’m glad to go
Death is no dream,

For in death I’m caressing you

With the last breath of my soul I’ll be blessing you

Gloomy Sunday
Dreaming

I was only dreaming

I wake and I find you

Asleep in the deep of

My heart

Dear

Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you

My heart is telling you how much I wanted you

Gloomy Sunday

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SCREAM WITH ME

Ever feel like dying, ever feel alone,

Ever feel like cryin’, lost child in a store,

Ever feel life pushing, shoving you away,

Ever feel like breaking down, funeral in the rain

Feel like slipping away
Stand in the corner and scream with me,

A body full of empty,

A head that’s full of rage, better believe it!

Stand in the closet and scream with me

A mind that’s like a fire,

Driven by the pain, better believe it!
Ever feel like lying, down inside a grave

Listen to the eulogy, a buyer of the hate

Ever dance beside the devil, taste the barrel of a gauge,

Ever pull the trigger, the light begins to fade

Feel like slipping away
Stand in the corner and scream with me,

A body full of empty,

A head that’s full of rage, better believe it!

Stand in the closet and scream with me

A mind that’s like a fire,

Driven by the pain, better believe it!
I’ve asked you for forgiveness

I’ve asked you for your grace

I’ve asked you for your blessing

I’ve asked that I be saved
Stand in the corner and scream with me,

A body full of empty,

A head that’s full of rage, better believe it!
Stand in the corner and scream with me,

A body full of empty,

A head that’s full of rage, better believe it!

Stand in the closet and scream with me

A mind that’s like a fire,

Driven by the pain, better believe it!
Stand in the corner and scream with me,

A body full of empty, a head that’s full of rage

Better believe it

Driven by the pain, better believe it!
Written by Chad L. Gray, Greg Tribbett, Matthew Mcdonough, Ryan Martinie • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group

Posted in child abuse, Complex PTSD, death, depression and anxiety, PTSD, suicide, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

No Meds

Boy, have I been a grumpy bitch for the past few weeks. Now I am totally weaned off my meds, tomorrow I should be able to start my new meds ($ permitting). 

The good part is that I’m not extremely depressed, just highly anxious, easily antagonized which subsequently is driving me to depression. The depression isn’t lasting long. I’m not letting it. 

PTSD IS BULLSHIT!!!  

Lisa is not fit for human interaction while off medication!!!!

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Another Rollercoaster Ride

I awoke today (Wednesday) with more energy than I’ve had in quite some time. It was nice, although strange and a little guilty feeling. That lasted about three hours until the aggravation and anxiety set in. I’m trying very hard to keep my emotions in check while coming off my meds. I think getting mad and anxious is the worst. I just can’t control it. In my mind I feel like I should be able to. 
I am being taken off my current psych meds so I can try something different. Latuda. I would just like an even mental health day, week, month, year. 

Unfortunately in my effort to calm myself I had to retreat to my apartment. Feeling like a junkie in search of a fix, I took a clonazepam. (Sp) With that not working quickly enough, because I was of course near panic mode, I decided to have a few drinks. Yes, I also know that I shouldn’t drink alcohol with my medicine. It just works better and faster that way. I’ve been doing it that way for decades. 

The effect was somewhat calming but not completely. I listened to hard rock non stop for hours. Actually I still am. My day started with various music I was enjoying and sing along with. The music just got harder and a bit more negative. Reflections of my feelings. I have been listening to The Sound of Silence for four hours now. Not the Simon and Garfunkel version, the cover by Disturbed. He has a nice deep voice and it just seems more solemn than the original, to me. It brings tears to my eyes. 
I went through an entire range of emotions once the medicine and alcohol kicked in. The anxiety and anger subsided for the most part, but I had feelings of self disgust, uselessness, feeling like I couldn’t take my situation any longer. Tired of being me, tired of the emotional roller coaster. Sadness for my lack of family closeness. During that phase I was listening to a song called “Orphan Girl” by Gillian Welch-alternative bluegrass. 

Back to Disturbed…

Just wanting to check out the last few hours of the night. Absence of feeling. Then I had a weird feeling come over me, a mix of sadness, wanting to cry and at the same time feeling like I’ve forced my therapist into seeing me weekly now when that’s clearly not how she wanted it to be at this time. Really it’s Patty, my psychiatrist, although I wasn’t happy going every other week any way. It just made me want to quit therapy altogether. I guess Patty just got me what I wanted. I hate being dependent. 
It’s 1:37am and I’m still teary eyed and listening to The Sound of Silence. I suppose I’ll fall asleep to it. I think I really just want to cry. 

Which brings me to my last song thought… FML (Fuck My Life) by K. Flay

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Christmas Eve

Here it is Christmas Eve I’m sitting all alone, I don’t know where anybody went. I had high hopes for this Christmas, I started out the month good. I was in a good mood, I was happy and excited, ready to decorate feeling festive.

I guess I started to get a little down as the holiday came closer. Not really having money to buy gifts or even a card. I hated the thought of letting my little great nieces go without opening a gift from me. I didn’t want them to think I forgotten about them. I know what it’s like to feel forgotten and not having those you care about and love to I have thought of you.

Luckily I was able to send them a little something so I felt good about that. I went on a bird walk this past Tuesday.  It took three hours but it was nice and peaceful. Interesting to find new birds  that I didn’t know existed around here. I felt pretty peaceful after that walk. The next day I went on a mindfulness meditation walk,  that walk was about two hours out in the same park but in a different area on a board walk that I didn’t know existed. Those two things really help to lift my spirit. I was feeling pretty good about the approaching Christmas holiday.
Then as usual people started getting on my nerves. People who are close to me telling me what to do, just kind of in an every day circumstance, or telling me how to behave. It seems as though sometimes people think I’m stupid. It’s bad enough if it’s a stranger but it’s worse if it’s coming from someone who says they love you. I’m 53 years old not 10. I  guess that really gets to me and as hard as I tried to kind of push that aside and meditate I just couldn’t do it. So basically my only good day, besides the days Tuesday and Wednesday that I actually went out and spent time in nature, was Thursday. Great, one day!

So I’m laying here on the bed with a heating pad on my back because my back is killing me and I don’t have the money to get any kind of treatment. I thought my partner was in the house somewhere doing something but as I went out into the living room I noticed that her car was gone. She was supposed to be finding out what we were doing tonight, Her mother wanted to know if we were going to the moose, I didn’t think we were. So we’re sitting here waiting for her brother, I’m sorry I’m sitting here I thought she was here, we don’t know what time he’s coming. My partners gone. Her mother just figured out that she was gone apparently she left also don’t know where she went although she asked me where her daughter went yet I don’t have a clue. That lack of communication annoys me also. 

Now that I’ve mopped the floors I’m back on the bed on the heating pad and using some aromatherapy to try and relax. I will try and meditate as soon as I’m done writing this. I just had to give that off my mind.

I hope everybody has a happy holiday however it is that you spend it.

Posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, awareness, child abuse, Christmas, Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety, Holidays, PTSD, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment