I’m only beginning….

Just beginning to learn and to understand how my abuse changed me. Changed me from a little happy girl into one who finds it hard, difficult to trust anyone. It’s not just the abuse. My life was a downward spiral and the abuse was just the beginning.

The preface from this book says it well:

Blind to Betrayal Preface
“Betrayal violates us. It can destroy relationships and the very trust we need to be intimate in our relationships. It can and does damage the social fabric that creates the bonds for a healthy society.

In the case of children, the effects can last a lifetime. Betrayed children may grow into adults who fail to trust the trustworthy or who too readily trust people who further betray them. Whether being too willing or too unwilling to trust, difficulty with trust not only interferes with relationships, but also eats away at a strong sense of self. Those who were betrayed as children often suffer severe self esteem problems, as well as depression, anxiety, and even psychosis.”
http://dynamic.uoregon.edu/~jjf/blindtobetrayalpreface.pdf

I knew that I didn’t like what it made me, but I didn’t really know why. Why did I feel so weak? Why did I drink and use drugs at an early age?

I was out of control. I had all of these emotions that I didn’t know what to do with. I just needed to escape!

What I do know is that someone should have helped me.

Now I am almost 50 and just starting to work out these feelings. Such a big part of my life wasted, ruined by my abuser.

How long will it take to become the person I was meant to be? Will I ever be that person?

Do you, my abuser, know what you have done to us? Do you care?

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adoption, adult survivor of child abuse, awareness, child abuse, death, depression and anxiety, depression awareness, incest, love, parent death, sexual abuse, suicide, suicide prevention, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to I’m only beginning….

  1. lettyrico says:

    My daughter is living with this abuse right now. The manipulation that this man lays on her is downright outstanding. How can one man be so evil?? We are trying so hard to get help but the law seems to be so blind. If only she’d told the truth years ago….

    • cr8zynfl says:

      Are there any support groups she can contact? Manipulators sure do seem to be evil. I hope that she can break free!

      • lettyrico says:

        So far all her time has been working and then looking for work again. Visiting with her baby. This man did this two years ago also, the non stop abuse caused her to snap and defend herself and while fighting she (911) called police. And she was arrested when the saw a broken items for domestic violence. He got her right out of jail the next day and told police she had not struck him but after that he helded the threat of jail over her head as he continued to abuse her. Then a month ago she made the mistake of snapping again and fought back and he called police himself again and she was arrested again and he was granted a no contact order. Since then she has been staying in hotels and we’ve spend over $1500.00 already. I don’t know how much longer she can hold on……worried sick.

  2. cr8zynfl says:

    That is terrible. So, hard to get out of those situations. If she can find a support group for abused women, they can help her find somewhere to live and maybe with the legal problem. Glad that you are there for her. It’s a shame some people are so mean and hurtful without regard.

    • lettyrico says:

      She is definitely trying but shelters are full and since legally she was charged help is not available easily.

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