Today is Tuesday April 23rd, 2013
Yesterday I crashed and burned. That’s what I call it when I lose control. I think I started the day off agitated at something. Maybe it was the cats, maybe something else. The important thing is I totally lost control of myself as the day progressed.
The doctor put me on new medication for my depression. I was taking Wellbutrin and Lexapro. I didn’t think that the meds were working well, specifically the Wellbutrin. He took me off the Lexapro and gave me ViiBryd (sp). I do believe that it does lift my spirit, but I keep telling the dr. that the Lexapro helps me control my anger and anxiety.
So I start off pissy and people and events, mostly people, get on my nerves. I get upset. The more I think about it, the more I talk about it, the madder I get. Should be a totally natural response, I guess. Point is, I work myself up into such a frenzy I just can’t stop.
I’m crying, bitching…..it’s a downward spiral for my mood and a giant escalator for my anger. Really hard to explain. I just can’t stop it. I can’t stop to think rationally. I’m mad, anxious, I don’t know what to do with myself. Should I go here? Should I go there? Who should I call? I need to talk to somebody. Talk to anybody. Which I shouldn’t, because the things that come out of my mouth I usually regret!
I call my therapist, she’s not there. I leave a message. I write her a note because I want her know what I feel right then. It won’t be the same by Thursday. In fact, I will probably brush it off as no big deal by then. I better take it to her. I will probably throw it away because I don’t want to embarrass myself. Didn’t get a call back so I drive down there. I really didn’t wait for a call back, couldn’t. Oh, she’s off on Monday. Good to know because I probably would have been pissed at her too.
Ha, ha, jokes on me. I won’t be able to get out of it because I am sharing this with you.
I could feel the anxiety and frustration building up in me, days before.
I’m telling you Doctor, I need my Lexapro. At least until I get my shit worked out.
I was feeling pretty good and positive. Pretty much threw that out the window yesterday. I do feel better today. Not as good, but way better than yesterday.
The only way for me to stop the cycle is to go to sleep. Force myself, and by that I mean take something. Otherwise it will continue to grow. Someone should put duct tape on my mouth and lock me up.
So, now I will go to sleep again and hopefully wake up feeling even better tomorrow.
TWO STEPS FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK!
Maybe it’s the other way around.