Crash and Burn

Today is Tuesday April 23rd, 2013

Yesterday I crashed and burned. That’s what I call it when I lose control. I think I started the day off agitated at something. Maybe it was the cats, maybe something else. The important thing is I totally lost control of myself as the day progressed.

The doctor put me on new medication for my depression. I was taking Wellbutrin and Lexapro. I didn’t think that the meds were working well, specifically the Wellbutrin. He took me off the Lexapro and gave me ViiBryd (sp). I do believe that it does lift my spirit, but I keep telling the dr. that the Lexapro helps me control my anger and anxiety.

So I start off pissy and people and events, mostly people, get on my nerves. I get upset. The more I think about it, the more I talk about it, the madder I get. Should be a totally natural response, I guess. Point is, I work myself up into such a frenzy I just can’t stop.

I’m crying, bitching…..it’s a downward spiral for my mood and a giant escalator for my anger. Really hard to explain. I just can’t stop it. I can’t stop to think rationally. I’m mad, anxious, I don’t know what to do with myself. Should I go here? Should I go there? Who should I call? I need to talk to somebody. Talk to anybody. Which I shouldn’t, because the things that come out of my mouth I usually regret!

I call my therapist, she’s not there. I leave a message. I write her a note because I want her know what I feel right then. It won’t be the same by Thursday. In fact, I will probably brush it off as no big deal by then. I better take it to her. I will probably throw it away because I don’t want to embarrass myself. Didn’t get a call back so I drive down there. I really didn’t wait for a call back, couldn’t. Oh, she’s off on Monday. Good to know because I probably would have been pissed at her too.

Ha, ha, jokes on me. I won’t be able to get out of it because I am sharing this with you.

I could feel the anxiety and frustration building up in me, days before.

I’m telling you Doctor, I need my Lexapro. At least until I get my shit worked out.

I was feeling pretty good and positive. Pretty much threw that out the window yesterday. I do feel better today. Not as good, but way better than yesterday.

The only way for me to stop the cycle is to go to sleep. Force myself, and by that I mean take something. Otherwise it will continue to grow. Someone should put duct tape on my mouth and lock me up.

So, now I will go to sleep again and hopefully wake up feeling even better tomorrow.

TWO STEPS FORWARD, ONE STEP BACK!
Maybe it’s the other way around.

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adoption, adult survivor of child abuse, awareness, child abuse, death, depression and anxiety, depression awareness, incest, love, parent death, sexual abuse, suicide, suicide prevention, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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