Sitting here thinking, when I should be sleeping. There should be an off switch to the brain.
Thinking about my last two therapy sessions. Each with a different therapist. When talking about the other therapists that I liked, both therapists said that they were nurturing people. So, what does that mean to me? I stated how I have always wanted my mommy. Even now, at 49.
What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to get past this childish state of emotion? Will I always be searching for that feeling? How do I get past it without becoming cold?
Thinking about it, feeling it, makes me sad. Great!
I remember after my dad died my mom wanted me to take a nap with her. I guess she was lonely. I felt weird about it. I wanted to. I remember her holding me when I was small and singing to me and rocking me to sleep. After that I don’t remember us being a very affectionate family. That coupled with my struggle to fight off being gay, to be “straight”, because that’s the way people were supposed to be, I was just uncomfortable.
What I wouldn’t give now to have my mom hold me now.
Thinking about this makes me feel like I missed out on so much.
I really think that life sucks!
Those feelings make me wish I didn’t exist. I don’t want any more pain or sadness.
I almost want to cry, but I’m not going to!