Sitting here thinking, when I should be sleeping. There should be an off switch to the brain.

Thinking about my last two therapy sessions. Each with a different therapist. When talking about the other therapists that I liked, both therapists said that they were nurturing people. So, what does that mean to me? I stated how I have always wanted my mommy. Even now, at 49.

What am I supposed to do with that? How am I supposed to get past this childish state of emotion? Will I always be searching for that feeling? How do I get past it without becoming cold?

Thinking about it, feeling it, makes me sad. Great!

I remember after my dad died my mom wanted me to take a nap with her. I guess she was lonely. I felt weird about it. I wanted to. I remember her holding me when I was small and singing to me and rocking me to sleep. After that I don’t remember us being a very affectionate family. That coupled with my struggle to fight off being gay, to be “straight”, because that’s the way people were supposed to be, I was just uncomfortable.

What I wouldn’t give now to have my mom hold me now.

Thinking about this makes me feel like I missed out on so much.

I really think that life sucks!

Those feelings make me wish I didn’t exist. I don’t want any more pain or sadness.

I almost want to cry, but I’m not going to!


About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adoption, adult survivor of child abuse, awareness, child abuse, death, depression and anxiety, depression awareness, incest, love, parent death, sexual abuse, suicide, suicide prevention, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Nurturing

  1. mckarlie says:

    There’s nothing wrong with crying sometimes, so long as it’s not all day every day, it can be a great release. I hope you find some peace in this crazy world 🙂

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