One thing I don’t understand……

I remember being abused as a child. What I don’t understand is why I don’t recall myself ever being afraid of my brother back then. I loved my brother. I remember loving him at an age that was after the abuse.

I loved him, loved his wife and children. Why was I never afraid of him? I would enjoy when he would take me places in his car, bring me candy. (Ok I get that part, grooming) Even when I was in high school, I wasn’t afraid to drive to his house, about a half hour away. I wasn’t afraid to stay over night.

I know that there is a lot of my childhood that I have blocked out. Just as I had blocked out the abuse until I went to college.

I wish I could remember more, even the bad parts. I want to know what happened. There are so many parts of my life that I would like to know what happened and why.

It is sad and frustrating to me that I cannot recall, nor do I have anyone to ask. My parents are deceased. I have no communication with my brother or my aunt and uncle, who took me in after my mom died.

So much of my life is lost. Cannot be regained, cannot be remembered.


About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adoption, adult survivor of child abuse, awareness, child abuse, death, depression and anxiety, depression awareness, incest, love, parent death, sexual abuse, suicide, suicide prevention, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to One thing I don’t understand……

  1. I feel similarly. After being abused by my brother for years, I still find myself seeking his attention and love, and until pretty recently, considered our relationship “good”. I don’t really remember what it was like, before he started abusing me. I’m not sure it would help to know.

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