Here I sit, another day.  Nothing in my world in too exciting to say.  I have nothing happy to inspirational to say.  That’s why I haven’t written.  What I do have to say is that life is exasperating.

I am trying my best to stay happy, to stay focused on my goals and my future.  I want to permanently get out of my depression.  I know it’s not realistic for me to expect to get out now, but that’s what I want.  You know how they always tell you (in therapy) that people will mistakenly say to you, “get over it”, “what’s the big deal”, “things could be worse”. Well, that’s how I feel.  I want it over now!

I feel that people will get tired of me being depressed.  People don’t understand.  I mean really, things could be worse.

I am not actively mad at my brother for doing this to me.  I just hate being like this.  I hate the fact that these feelings, the way I have learned to be as a result of the abuse, are taking me down.  While it seemed as though I had it together up until now, I did not.  At least I did a better job at faking it.  I don’t like that I can’t pull it together enough to put up a good front.

This whole thought today applies to my diabetes and other health problems too. That is why I am posting this on both blogs.

I am angry with myself for not taking care of myself when I was younger.  Who am I kidding? I don’t take better care of myself now.  It all goes together though.  My depression will not allow me to take care of myself.  I feel bad, I don’t exercise.  I feel bad, I eat junk food, comfort food.

I am trying to get disability or at least SSI and Medicaid.  How can I afford all my medication?  All of my doctor appointments? How am I supposed to hold a job when I have to get up and go?  I don’t go! I have two therapy appointments a week, and many months at least 5 doctor appointments.  What about my self loathing?  When am I supposed to do that?

One condition feeds the other.  Sometimes I feel that it is all just one big mess!


About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adoption, adult survivor of child abuse, awareness, child abuse, death, depression and anxiety, depression awareness, incest, love, parent death, sexual abuse, suicide, suicide prevention, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Exasperating

  1. i hear you my dear. We are trying so hard to get better, trying to stay happy, knowing our depression can wear thin on others. but its all so overwhelming, isn’t it? how are we supposed to move on and get better when it keeps pulling us down? When going on with life gets in the way of the space to heal and allowing ourselves to process. I’m not sure what I am writing makes sense. but this resonated with me today. Take care of yourself.

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