Here I sit, another day. Nothing in my world in too exciting to say. I have nothing happy to inspirational to say. That’s why I haven’t written. What I do have to say is that life is exasperating.
I am trying my best to stay happy, to stay focused on my goals and my future. I want to permanently get out of my depression. I know it’s not realistic for me to expect to get out now, but that’s what I want. You know how they always tell you (in therapy) that people will mistakenly say to you, “get over it”, “what’s the big deal”, “things could be worse”. Well, that’s how I feel. I want it over now!
I feel that people will get tired of me being depressed. People don’t understand. I mean really, things could be worse.
I am not actively mad at my brother for doing this to me. I just hate being like this. I hate the fact that these feelings, the way I have learned to be as a result of the abuse, are taking me down. While it seemed as though I had it together up until now, I did not. At least I did a better job at faking it. I don’t like that I can’t pull it together enough to put up a good front.
This whole thought today applies to my diabetes and other health problems too. That is why I am posting this on both blogs.
I am angry with myself for not taking care of myself when I was younger. Who am I kidding? I don’t take better care of myself now. It all goes together though. My depression will not allow me to take care of myself. I feel bad, I don’t exercise. I feel bad, I eat junk food, comfort food.
I am trying to get disability or at least SSI and Medicaid. How can I afford all my medication? All of my doctor appointments? How am I supposed to hold a job when I have to get up and go? I don’t go! I have two therapy appointments a week, and many months at least 5 doctor appointments. What about my self loathing? When am I supposed to do that?
One condition feeds the other. Sometimes I feel that it is all just one big mess!