My Own Private Hell

It’s located entirely in my mind. What an awful place to be sometimes. It started this past Thursday when our new group therapist said she couldn’t really offer individual therapy. Maybe I should back up a little…….

For at least the last year, if not a little longer, I have had the same group therapist as well as individual therapist, same person. About three weeks ago she told us that she was leaving and we would be getting a new therapist for group and individual, for those of us who felt we still needed individual therapy. 

The thought of starting over again with a new therapist was less than exciting to me, but I knew I still needed more work. The group therapy wasn’t really such a big deal, as it is more of a generalized discussion rather than dealing with ones own individual issues. 

Fast forward to last Thursday. We have our first session with our new group therapist. First off, she’s an intern, not that that’s necessarily bad, it’s just that she will be leaving too as soon as she completes her hours. So, as I stated earlier, she informed us that she was not able to offer us any structured individual therapy. Due in part to her hours of availability and apparently the budget of Manatee Glens, the mental health facility where I receive treatment. 

So that is the first thing to set off my anxiety. It had been three weeks already since I had been able to talk to a therapist. I’m used to my weekly schedule. Next, on Saturday, I received the ruling on my court case for SSI. Denied!  Feeling lost and unsure about my future I just wanted to cry. The judge totally discounted all the notes and records provided. Well, what the hell! Those diagnoses and findings are basically my claim.  Let’s just not mention my MDD, PTSD, and anxiety. Oh, and don’t forget suicide attempts and thoughts. I guess I was supposed to have been successful. 

So, I become a totally anxious nut. My head spinning in all different directions. Man how I hate that feeling. Can’t calm my head for anything. Nothing works once it starts.  No mindfulness, no meditation, nothing.  Not even having a couple of drinks.  This is the only time when drinking actually makes me depressed.  Normally I’m a very happy drinker.  Weekend ruined. 

I eventually became a little calmer and stronger and called the new therapist Monday. She agreed to see me on Tuesday. It did feel better to talk about my feelings of the past month and especially that previous weekend. Luckily she will be able to see me twice a month. Not exactly what I was looking for, but better than nothing. 

I started meditating again and trying to practice mindfulness and kicking those nasty anxious thoughts out of my head. I have been feeling better the last couple of days. Let’s hope that I can stick to it. 

Good news! My lawyer is appealing the decision! Yay! 

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adult survivor of child abuse, awareness, child abuse, depression and anxiety, depression awareness, incest, sexual abuse, suicide, suicide prevention, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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