Every time I look at that picture when I log on, I have to laugh at myself. I’ve tried to give up numerous times, yet I can’t even do that right.
I have been feeling down lately. Just another part of the cycle. The good part “I guess” is that I haven’t tried to kill myself lately. Although my feelings of worthlessness are still here.
After working on on my narrative with my therapist about my childhood abuse, we started working on my feelings of being adopted. Usually when I mention adoption people immediately say that “you are lucky” and had a family that loved you enough to adopt you. While that is true and I am thankful for the time I did get to spend with my parents who adopted me, what most people don’t understand is the bad feelings inside that are associated with being adopted.
The wonder of who your birth parents are, if you have siblings. Worse are the feelings of inadequacy, why didn’t they want me? What’s wrong with me? Recent discovery has led me to learn that I have a natural brother who is one year older than me and a younger brother, both of them got to stay in the home with my “parents”. My younger brother wasn’t born yet when I was taken away, yes taken away by the cops or whoever takes neglected children out of homes back in the early sixties.
So I was the only one who wasn’t wanted. Wasn’t able to be taken care of. Glad I found that out. I feel so much better now, not!
I am glad to have found my brothers. There is something good. My older brother seems real nice. It’s hard getting to know someone in this situation, scary. I don’t want to be hurt by any more people. I don’t want to be hurt like I was by my adoptive family, parents excluded. I love my parents and believe they did the best they could.
This post isn’t very well put together, just ramblings of thoughts. What I really want to do is shut down and cry.