Ironic

Isnt it ironic……. Makes me think of that Alanis Morrisette song. Good song. 

I had a mammogram a couple weeks ago and received a letter in the mail notifying me to call my Dr. They found something that wasn’t present last year. So, I have to get another mammogram or a sonogram. Sucks that it’s Saturday and I have to wait until Monday to call. It’s not like I have the money for another mammogram and especially not for a sonogram as I have no insurance. 

The ironic part is that I’m always thinking about death, wishing I were dead, periodically trying to commit suicide. Yet when it comes to this and other health scares, I am scared. Why all of a sudden am I afraid to die? Is it just because I want to do it on my own terms? I know I don’t want to die of some long drawn out process. I’m all for a persons right to die.   

It’s completely ironic to me. 

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in death, depression and anxiety, depression awareness, suicide, suicide prevention, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Ironic

  1. It makes perfect sense to me. I have experienced this as well. For me, the medical scare made me realize that maybe I didn’t really wish to die, kind of a wake up call in a way. I hope everything turns out ok. Hugs!

  2. Life is hard. Who doesn’t contemplate death. People that is not animals. And for some, things feel so hard and overwhelming they might wonder if things simply would be easier if not here. It’s a thought. When or if the real thing threatens, death that is, it can come as a surprise just how hard we cling to life, loving and wanting it despite the hardships. It’s like that for me anyway.

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