Why?

Sometimes I don’t even know why I try!

Why do I struggle to stay alive?

Why do I keep going to therapy? To group?

Why do I try and watch my blood sugar? 

Why do I take all of my medications? Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, thyroid, psych, anxiety.

Why am I concerned about my organs failing due to diabetes?

Why do I not drink heavily, not party?

Why do I refrain from doing drugs?

Why am I trying to plan out my future? Make a Power of attorney?

Why make a living will?

Why ask my girlfriend to take responsibility of me should something happen? 

Why share my feelings of sadness and sorrow?

Why did my biological parents neglect me?

Why did they let me be taken away?

Why didn’t they love me? MOTHER FUCKERS!

Why did my adopted brother sexually abuse me?

Didn’t he love me?

Why did my parents, who adopted me, have to die?

Why did I have to end up alone?

Why can’t anybody love me?

Why should I expect anyone to care?

Why do I waste my time?

Why am I wasting your time?

Why do I keep trying when it’s clear nothing works out?

Why don’t I just quit trying, quit taking my meds?

Maybe things will work out for the best that way. 

  

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adult survivor of child abuse, child abuse, death, depression and anxiety, incest, love, parent death, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Why?

  1. Because deep down you still have hope that things will get better and you will be able to see the light in the end of the tunnel! Don’t give up dear! Sending you lots of love! XO Nina

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