Yesterday I had individual therapy. Even though we talked about things I’d done in the past that still doesn’t
make me feel very good about myself, I left feeling pretty decent. I wasn’t sad or depressed, or disgusted with myself. I do feel a little more fragile than usual on Tuesdays. We talk about a lot of deep stuff. Maybe my feelings are a little closer to the edge that day. I’m busy quietly processing all that was discussed that hour. How it affected me in the past and how it affects me now.
I wish people close to me would realize this and maybe be gentle with me on Tuesdays. I guess I need to straight out tell them.
Today I went to my Primary to officially get the results of my latest blood work and for her to see how my bp was doing on my new meds. New bp meds seem to be working. Thankfully my kidneys seem to be working also. Apparently it was the one blood pressure med (lisinopril) that was affecting my kidneys since my tests were good since being taken off of it.
Her next question for me was about my evaluation for depression, which they do every visit, even though I have been clinically diagnosed with MDD, PTSD and anxiety. She asked if this was pretty much the way it is going to be. I said, yes you shouldn’t even bother asking me those questions every time. Lol. She wanted to make sure I had a plan of what to do and who to talk to if I felt suicidal. I thought she was going to ask if I had a plan to end it. I said yes. She’s like No No don’t tell me that. Lol. She’s pretty cool. She wanted to know if I had a plan of action for when I felt really depressed or suicidal.
I don’t really feel like there are that many people who I can talk to. People who are close to you just get mad at you, take it personal or want to tell you what to do. I kind of feel like I’m always wanting someone to be my mommy. Like a mom might just listen and hold you until you feel better. I really miss that. So, after making sure I was ok, she said that I could reach out to her any time I needed. That was really nice of her, and I truly do believe she would be there for me if I needed.
It’s really nice when people show that they care about you and your well-being. I know we can all use as many supporters as we can get.
As I told her and my therapist, I feel pretty decent most of the time. I’m trying really hard not to let the words and actions of others upset me too much. Sure, they still upset me but it only takes me one day to mostly get over it. I’m also trying not to let their words destroy my feeling of self worth. I’ve had enough of that damage done to me when I was younger.