TheMighty.com

This is a story I submitted to themighty.com. To share a story that someone may not know about your illness or disability. It’s quite an interesting website and I encourage you to check it out and maybe even submit a story. I don’t know yet if my story will be accepted but I’ve decided to share it with you anyway, because it’s mine.  
My name is Lisa. I have MDD, PTSD and Anxiety.
Every day in my life; I wake up not wanting to wake up. Not wanting to start another day. What awful thing will happen today? Will I get fired? Will someone be disappointed in me, mad at me, done with me? Will you hate me today? Will you still love me today? Will you leave me today? 
I don’t want to leave the house. What if I get into an accident? What if I hit an animal while driving? I couldn’t live with that. That would devastate me. OMG! I just saw a dead animal on the side of the road, how sad. Why were those people so careless, so stupid. Idiots! Poor little animal. I hate people. Why doesn’t anyone care? I almost cry. 
I just want to sleep all day. I’m nervous. What if I say or do something stupid? Why aren’t you talking to me? What did I do now? Why don’t you like me anymore? 
Even when I make it through a day without crying or having an anxiety attack, as night approaches I’m tired I want to go to bed. I can’t sleep. I worry what tomorrow will bring. Rehash in my mind what happened today. What kind of stupid thing did I say and to who? Will they still like me tomorrow? Did I say too much? Did I share too much of my feelings? Was that normal? Appropriate? What is appropriate? Are my feelings for you normal? Do I like you too much? Do you think I like you too much? Am I too attached? Do I need you too much? Do I want to talk to you too much? Be with you too much? 
Why don’t you like me as much as I like you? Nobody likes me! Time to crash. It’s 1:30 a.m. now. 

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in anxiety, depression and anxiety, depression awareness, PTSD, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to TheMighty.com

  1. This sounds very familiar. Often my thoughts just whirl. It is no way to live. Meditation that I started back around 2002 helped greatly, even from the very first half hour. I found relief from my anxiety unlike any I’ve ever known. And over the years it continues to settle me and offer solutions to daily interactions or problems, some very simple ones, but ones I hadn’t thought of.
    I can’t sit in a legs crossed position like they did at the Zen Center. My arthritis prohibits it, though I tried to for a year. That brought knee surgery for torn ligament.
    Now I lay down and my cat Molly curls up on my stomach. I set a timer to 30 minutes. Eyes open but lowered. Count breathing, in, out, one. Up to 10. Start again. With whirling thoughts it very often hard to ever get to ten, or easy to go over 10. Just gently tell oneself, ‘Go back to the breath. Find your true nature.’
    Hot baths, sitting in nature. I hope you find some things to bring you peace because you deserve it just as much as everybody else.

    • cr8zynfl says:

      Thanks. I try meditation also and have recently started to practice yoga. It’s true, it is very difficult for me to meditate and relax my mind. But I keep trying. The best thing for me is to get out into nature, which I don’t do enough. I always feel like there’s something more important I need to be doing. I know that taking care of me is the most important but I can’t usually convince myself of that either. Thanks for your thoughts.

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