Growing pains

Here I am again. I’m hoping that one day I will be writing when I feel good or when something good happens, not when I’m depressed or have had a bad day. 

I believe I mentioned previously that I have been kind of sad and sentimental. It has only gotten worse as the days go on. Missing people and previous relationships (platonic) family and friends. I say I miss my mom but she died while I was a teenager and never got to have a deep mother daughter relationship. I still miss the relationship with my mother that should have been. 

So, in my saddened state, I reach out to my girlfriend – miscommunication, I reach out to my previous therapist – feeling stupid now, reach out to my aunt who kicked me out of the family – why do I set myself up for disappointment. 

 I have been talking to my current therapist the past few days. She helps me see the light. Still feeling a need for connection I reach out to all theses other people. Nothing is really satisfying. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I talked with my therapist twice today and still I had to ask for a special appointment to see her. I just couldn’t get a grip on my emotions. Besides feeling sad to begin with that just pisses me off. I hate not being able to get control of my emotions. 

I had a very good session with her. Explained a lot, helped me reason through my feelings.  She says it’s all part of healing and growing from my trauma.  My CPTSD?  Yay me!

I always need need need somebody. Not to do things for me, but to be there for me, to comfort me, to mommy me. That’s it! That’s my big problem (one of them).  I’m always looking, wanting my mommy.  I can’t have her. I didn’t have a mommy when I was an infant and got taken away. I did have a mommy for 12 years, I loved her very much, but there are issues there, like the lack of any psychological help after my abuse by my brother. The lack of any nurturing or understanding from my aunt and uncle who were left to care for me the last year and a half, until I turned 18. And boy did I get cut loose after that. 

All I want is someone to listen to me, not to judge or tell me what to do. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be alright. I’ve always felt that I needed that too much. That to expect and want that from someone is too much.  So, my therapist agrees, I have mommy issues. 

I totally misunderstood her before because I thought she didn’t think that was a big deal, because she reasoned it away as it being understandable that I felt that way.  I find out today that apparently it IS as big issue. 

We will be delving into that soon. I can’t wait.  I can’t wait to get over all this shit I feel! 

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, brother, child abuse, depression and anxiety, incest, love, parent death, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Growing pains

  1. I am in my later stages of life. My relationship with my mother was complicated and though she died seven years ago, that intertwined relationship still holds questions that won’t be answered. And right to the end, though she lived but you sadly lost yours, I searched for her love and approval. Often instead, I received criticism.
    Somethings don’t away. Like our lives and our pasts. We just learn to deal with what is and was. You have much to grieve. Of course you miss her. At least I had mine even if it was complicated and often painful, confusing and upsetting.
    You have been attacked by a brother. That caused pain on so many levels. You have an aunt you’d dearly like a connection with but it sounds like you are a reminder to her of her sister’s death and her nephew’s crimes. So though a victim, she casts you out, victimizing you again.
    It takes a person of true character and real compassion to do the right thing, which would be to fully accept you as you, not as reminders of their family messing up. You aren’t the mess up.
    That’s the thing. You may find mother replacements in friendships as I did. Because even alive, my Mom’s mothering wasn’t too healthy. But I needed to learn, and am still learning, how to wrap my own arms around me in love.

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