That was a rough week. One of the shittiest I’ve had in months. I won’t say that it’s all over or I’m all better now, but I do feel a little better and have gained back some control of my emotions.
I had my regular individual therapy today. Got a few things cleared up in my mind. Yes, I officially have mommy issues, or as the pro’s like to say, Attachment disorder. Apparently the initial unattachment with my birth mother was later compounded by my (adoptive) parents dying and then a couple years later my aunt and uncle, subsequently the rest of my adoptive family, disowning me. Thank you dear aunt, that was a great idea to help me get my life in order, it only fucked up my head more. Hello world of Complex PTSD. (Let’s not forget my dumbass brother (adoptive) molesting me.)
So, with part of my head put back on straight I decided to take some of my medication today. Oddly enough none of my psych meds, just all my physical meds. After getting the results back from my Xray I see that parts of my body are more screwed up than I thought. Nothing wrong with my lungs, but still no explanation of the pain I’ve been having. It was noted that I have borderline heart enlargement. In researching that condition I found out what angina was. Yes, I have that too. More serious of a condition than I thought.
I really feel like I am not long for this world. Not really too disappointing since I hate this life anyway. But, I’d rather be the one who makes the decision when I leave this world.
I’m really struggling with the whole point of this life. No, I am not actively pursuing the thought of suicide. I just don’t want to be here.