I really fucking hate my life sometimes. 

I keep trying and trying. Try to be a good person, try to be kind.  Try to learn how to work with my depression and anxiety. Trying to learn how to change the way I feel and react to things.  Try to feel better about myself. I keep going to therapy and going to group, every week. I want to get better. I want to feel healthy. I don’t want to get depressed. I don’t want to have anxiety. 

Yet sometimes, it seems as though life gangs up on me. It’s starts in one area of my life and then moves onto another part. All the while making it increasingly difficult to maintain my composure. To not break out and cry, it not to yell at someone. It becomes increasingly difficult to wake up in the morning and live life like I’m supposed to. It gets more difficult to fend off those suicidal thoughts, the self defeating thoughts, the “I’m not good enough” thoughts, or “I’m just a loser”. 

I go to individual therapy once a week. We discuss and work on all these issues and how my past affects the way I feel and react today. Then we try and correct those negative thoughts. My therapist keeps telling me I’m getting better. Even I can see it sometimes. I even really feel it sometimes. I’m almost happy those times, when I feel better. 

The problem is that there are forces in my life trying to knock me down. Maybe not intentionally, but it’s there. I’m trying so hard to stay out of that big black hole I fell into a few years back, and right now I just want to go there. I want to be in the dark, locked away in my own mind so people can’t hurt me. You’re hurting me, all you people who think I’m not good enough, who think I’m stupid, incompetent, a liar, a cheater.  All you motherfuckers who never have anything nice to say to me or about me. 

Fuck you!

Today is a day I wish I were dead. 

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, brother, child abuse, Complex PTSD, death, depression and anxiety, incest, parent death, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to I really fucking hate my life sometimes. 

  1. Dave says:

    I often feel the same way. Stay strong.

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