Down The Rabbit Hole

Today is a day I don’t feel like doing anything I’m supposed to. These days have been growing in intensity. I wish I could say I don’t know why, but I do know why. 

I’ve been trying so hard to fight the feeling, to stay positive. All I want to do now is sleep, or maybe get drunk, which I can’t really accomplish anymore but the desire is there.  The desire for the days when I was younger and wasn’t on any medication.  It’s ruining my ability to get drunk! Back in the old days when I would just drink or smoke my problems away. What problems? Exactly! Oblivious!  That’s where I want to be right now, in oblivian.  

I’m not feeling like fighting the fight.  It’s so exhausting sometimes.  I’m almost ready to quit again. 

It’s like depression and anxiety are my addiction.  I’m a depressionholoc, an anxietyholic.  I try, try, try, to do all the things I’m supposed to do. Do the things that will help me get over these feelings.  I go to all of my therapy sessions, take all my meds, try to be positive, turn the negative around.  Yet, life keeps beating at my door.  “Lisa, come on and play with me.  Depression and anxiety need you.  You know there’s nothing good for you in that other world.  We are always here for you”.

So here I go, down the rabbit hole.  Unlike Alice I didn’t get any psychedelics.  Damn! 

I am seriously sick of this shit! 

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in anxiety, child abuse, Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Down The Rabbit Hole

  1. It’s a very hard place to be in. I’m very sorry you are feeling this way.

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