One of the things difficult for me, as a result of childhood sexual abuse, is my inability to handle my emotions.
I used to think that I dealt with my emotions well. Now I see that is not the case. All of my partying, drinking and using drugs was my way of dealing with the bad things in life.
I started smoking at a very young age, I was in junior high when I started smoking pot and then turned to acid and other mind altering drugs.
So, to put it into my timeline, I was abused while still in grade school and my parents died while in high school. There are events that happened before and after those afore mentioned events.
I quit using drugs when I was 25, didn’t quit smoking until 2007 and I quit abusing alcohol around 2012 when I was diagnosed with diabetes.
Even though I quit using illegal drugs I always had alcohol to help me cover up and drown my real feelings. So many times I’ve been hurt by friends, not even that many friends just mostly by my family. Sure I wasn’t very mature, sure I misbehaved at times. Why? It all began with my abuse.
Anyway, now that I am physically unable to drown my sorrows I have a hard time dealing with emotions. Not so much in regards to my past, but with things that come up day to day.
When something or someone tweaks my anger it just goes straight to the top. I have learned to control myself a little bit. I don’t yell at people anymore. The bad thing is, I internalize it. I can feel myself getting flush, my blood pressure rising and my heart racing. Then I just ramble off to whoever I’m with. If I’m alone I’ll rant and rave to myself. I so much want to punch a wall, but I quit doing that too. Don’t worry I have never hit anyone and believe I never would.
Then because I don’t have a way to let it out I want to cry. I really don’t want to cry either so my only option is to go to bed. I will usually need to take something to help me pass out and not keep going over and over my rage. I suppose in one way I’m still self medicating. I haven’t mastered the art of meditation or any other form of positive coping skills.
That “tool” I use to escape works with any emotion.
I don’t hate my brother, I hate the way the abuse has changed me. I hate what it has done to my life.
I hate that I have become someone I wasn’t supposed to be.