Managing Emotions

One of the things difficult for me, as a result of childhood sexual abuse, is my inability to handle my emotions. 

I used to think that I dealt with my emotions well. Now I see that is not the case. All of my partying, drinking and using drugs was my way of dealing with the bad things in life. 

I started smoking at a very young age, I was in junior high when I started smoking pot and then turned to acid and other mind altering drugs. 

So, to put it into my timeline, I was abused while still in grade school and my parents died while in high school. There are events that happened before and after  those afore mentioned events. 

I quit using drugs when I was 25, didn’t quit smoking until 2007 and I quit abusing alcohol around 2012 when I was diagnosed with diabetes. 

Even though I quit using illegal drugs I always had alcohol to help me cover up and drown my real feelings. So many times I’ve been hurt by friends, not even that many friends just mostly by my family. Sure I wasn’t very mature, sure I misbehaved at times. Why? It all began with my abuse.  

Anyway, now that I am physically unable to drown my sorrows I have a hard time dealing with emotions. Not so much in regards to my past, but with things that come up day to day. 

When something or someone tweaks my anger it just goes straight to the top. I have learned to control myself a little bit. I don’t yell at people anymore. The bad thing is, I internalize it. I can feel myself getting flush, my blood pressure rising and my heart racing. Then I just ramble off to whoever I’m with. If I’m alone I’ll rant and rave to myself. I so much want to punch a wall, but I quit doing that too. Don’t worry I have never hit anyone and believe I never would. 

Then because I don’t have a way to let it out I want to cry. I really don’t want to cry either so my only option is to go to bed. I will usually need to take something to help me pass out and not keep going over and over my rage. I suppose in one way I’m still self medicating. I haven’t mastered the art of meditation or any other form of positive coping skills. 

That “tool” I use to escape works with any emotion. 

I don’t hate my brother, I hate the way the abuse has changed me. I hate what it has done to my life. 

I hate that I have become someone I wasn’t supposed to be. 


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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, brother, child abuse, death, depression and anxiety, incest, PTSD, sexual abuse, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Managing Emotions

  1. That all sounds very familiar to me.

    Not sure one can master meditation, only practice it. That has helped me more than anything else. Sometimes even now when my mind is whirling my count goes over ten. You’d think counting to ten would be easy. Back to the breath. Find your true nature. For me it is a life-time practice.

    I didn’t hate my brothers either, except maybe Tom who caused psychological damage after and all the years since. I hated myself. I learned to forgive me even if I really had nothing to forgive myself for. (except being born)

    Learning to be kinder to myself was the key. Feeling those big feelings is not easy. They come but don’t stay and do pass through. I used to love hot baths which helped melt stress. Whatever kindnesses you can provide for yourself when the overwhelming feelings come, try to provide; heating pad, cocoa, fuzzy PJ’s, a teddy bear, favorite movie, nature, talking it out with a friend, journaling…My journals were full of what you described above. Every interaction held such pain that I wrote to let it all out.

    Living a life of rage is not fun. I wish I knew a faster way through it than mine which took years to fizzle out.

    • cr8zynfl says:

      Thank you for your comment. I definately agree with everything you said. I just get aggravated with myself. I have been in therapy for about three years. I have progressed but still get tired of having these feelings and my inability to control myself. I used to be very mellow, wasn’t quick to anger and wasn’t so damn sensitive.

      • Some feelings seem or feel quite unmanageable. You are probably handling it much better than you think.
        Sensitivity is a trait of all living things, right? Like an amoeba or protozoa… : )

  2. Ohhhhh how I under exactly what you describe here! I’m so sorry for what’s happened. You didn’t deserve that!
    I struggle with emotions too and I’ve tried repeatedly to mask them with alcohol over the years but that never really did much in the big picture. I still had to face the feelings when the alcohol wore off.. and they always just seemed even worse then … I don’t struggle with anger at anyone but myself.. but that anger is gigantic and all I can do is sleep and hope I wake up with it just a tiny bit less…

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