December 14, 2016
I haven’t written for a long time because I’ve been lazy and tired, probably somewhat depressed a little stressed out. Last night I had a dream I was working at Walmart most of my dreams happen at Walmart. I remember I was department manager in my dream and we were getting ready for inventory. I was making labels for things and I guess my manager came to me and told me that I had to work with this guy, Kevin. He was coming to work in my department with me. Kevin was a real person who worked at one particular store, I never worked directly with him. He actually was kind of an ass so that part of the story is true.
I remember I was standing in front of a ladder. I have merchandise on the ladder and Kevin who wasn’t happy about having to work with me came up to me and confronted me about something I don’t remember what. I remember he got in my face talking harshly to me and pushed me back into the ladder. He didn’t do anything other than push me and intimidate me but I remember at the time in the dream that I was very afraid. I went to my manager upset and crying and told him what Kevin did but he didn’t really think it was that big of a deal. So I explained to him while crying that I was a victim of child abuse, sexual child abuse and that that kind of behavior from Kevin I couldn’t tolerate.
With him not really concerned about Kevin’s behavior and not willing to do anything about it I quit. So I went to my car which I couldn’t find so I should say I was going to my car but I couldn’t find it. I don’t really know what relevance that had to the story but I will have to look it up and try to figure it out. So while I was out there the store manager approached me and wanted me to come back to work. I had to explain to him why it was that I left and why I could not come back.
He told me he understood and said that he would take care of the problem with Kevin and that I would not have to work with him. When I came back to work I had to go to a meeting with my assistant manager who ended up not being there. So the meeting was held by another assistant manager who apparently was unaware of the situation with Kevin. He insisted that I work with Kevin and he put us back to work together. Once again I was crying. I went to someone who I considered to be my friend, also a person that I had worked with at that same store. I tried to explain to her what happened and why I was so upset but she didn’t believe me. Not so much that she didn’t believe me but she also did not see the importance and couldn’t understand why that upset me so much.
That was pretty much the whole dream, me being upset and crying and someone I trusted and who I thought was my friend not believing me and not understanding or I guess being even sympathetic to my feelings.
When I first woke up I immediately realized why I had this dream. The last few visits I’ve had with my therapist she has talked with me about cutting back on my therapy session’s and going every other week instead of weekly. I am skeptical about that and I know that I am afraid. In one way I feel that maybe I’m strong enough or that I should be strong enough but I guess I’m really afraid that I’m not. I’m afraid of losing connection and what I feel is pretty much the only support that I have.
I know that I would be seeing her twice a month and that probably should be enough. I also know that she would be available if I had a mental emergency.It reminds me of how I felt when my last therapist was transferred to another department. I really felt lost for a while I only went a short time before I started seeing my new therapist that I currently have now. I know it’s kind of stupid in a way because I know I’m not going to be without a therapist or getting a new therapist or losing that connection totally, yet. But I don’t know I guess I’m just scared. I’m afraid to let go.
This whole thing kind of makes me sad right now. Makes me want to cry. 😢