Christmas Eve

Here it is Christmas Eve I’m sitting all alone, I don’t know where anybody went. I had high hopes for this Christmas, I started out the month good. I was in a good mood, I was happy and excited, ready to decorate feeling festive.

I guess I started to get a little down as the holiday came closer. Not really having money to buy gifts or even a card. I hated the thought of letting my little great nieces go without opening a gift from me. I didn’t want them to think I forgotten about them. I know what it’s like to feel forgotten and not having those you care about and love to I have thought of you.

Luckily I was able to send them a little something so I felt good about that. I went on a bird walk this past Tuesday.  It took three hours but it was nice and peaceful. Interesting to find new birds  that I didn’t know existed around here. I felt pretty peaceful after that walk. The next day I went on a mindfulness meditation walk,  that walk was about two hours out in the same park but in a different area on a board walk that I didn’t know existed. Those two things really help to lift my spirit. I was feeling pretty good about the approaching Christmas holiday.
Then as usual people started getting on my nerves. People who are close to me telling me what to do, just kind of in an every day circumstance, or telling me how to behave. It seems as though sometimes people think I’m stupid. It’s bad enough if it’s a stranger but it’s worse if it’s coming from someone who says they love you. I’m 53 years old not 10. I  guess that really gets to me and as hard as I tried to kind of push that aside and meditate I just couldn’t do it. So basically my only good day, besides the days Tuesday and Wednesday that I actually went out and spent time in nature, was Thursday. Great, one day!

So I’m laying here on the bed with a heating pad on my back because my back is killing me and I don’t have the money to get any kind of treatment. I thought my partner was in the house somewhere doing something but as I went out into the living room I noticed that her car was gone. She was supposed to be finding out what we were doing tonight, Her mother wanted to know if we were going to the moose, I didn’t think we were. So we’re sitting here waiting for her brother, I’m sorry I’m sitting here I thought she was here, we don’t know what time he’s coming. My partners gone. Her mother just figured out that she was gone apparently she left also don’t know where she went although she asked me where her daughter went yet I don’t have a clue. That lack of communication annoys me also. 

Now that I’ve mopped the floors I’m back on the bed on the heating pad and using some aromatherapy to try and relax. I will try and meditate as soon as I’m done writing this. I just had to give that off my mind.

I hope everybody has a happy holiday however it is that you spend it.

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About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, awareness, child abuse, Christmas, Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety, Holidays, PTSD, Uncategorized and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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