I awoke today (Wednesday) with more energy than I’ve had in quite some time. It was nice, although strange and a little guilty feeling. That lasted about three hours until the aggravation and anxiety set in. I’m trying very hard to keep my emotions in check while coming off my meds. I think getting mad and anxious is the worst. I just can’t control it. In my mind I feel like I should be able to.
I am being taken off my current psych meds so I can try something different. Latuda. I would just like an even mental health day, week, month, year.
Unfortunately in my effort to calm myself I had to retreat to my apartment. Feeling like a junkie in search of a fix, I took a clonazepam. (Sp) With that not working quickly enough, because I was of course near panic mode, I decided to have a few drinks. Yes, I also know that I shouldn’t drink alcohol with my medicine. It just works better and faster that way. I’ve been doing it that way for decades.
The effect was somewhat calming but not completely. I listened to hard rock non stop for hours. Actually I still am. My day started with various music I was enjoying and sing along with. The music just got harder and a bit more negative. Reflections of my feelings. I have been listening to The Sound of Silence for four hours now. Not the Simon and Garfunkel version, the cover by Disturbed. He has a nice deep voice and it just seems more solemn than the original, to me. It brings tears to my eyes.
I went through an entire range of emotions once the medicine and alcohol kicked in. The anxiety and anger subsided for the most part, but I had feelings of self disgust, uselessness, feeling like I couldn’t take my situation any longer. Tired of being me, tired of the emotional roller coaster. Sadness for my lack of family closeness. During that phase I was listening to a song called “Orphan Girl” by Gillian Welch-alternative bluegrass.
Back to Disturbed…
Just wanting to check out the last few hours of the night. Absence of feeling. Then I had a weird feeling come over me, a mix of sadness, wanting to cry and at the same time feeling like I’ve forced my therapist into seeing me weekly now when that’s clearly not how she wanted it to be at this time. Really it’s Patty, my psychiatrist, although I wasn’t happy going every other week any way. It just made me want to quit therapy altogether. I guess Patty just got me what I wanted. I hate being dependent.
It’s 1:37am and I’m still teary eyed and listening to The Sound of Silence. I suppose I’ll fall asleep to it. I think I really just want to cry.