It’s been almost two months since I’ve written.  I’m off the Latuda because it made my blood sugar too high. So, I am trying something different. 

My brain has been on pretty much of an even keel since I have been on these bi-polar meds. The worst part is that I have to take an additional pill with it to counteract the side effects. I haven’t really had anxiety since I’ve been on them, until today (Sunday April 30).

I even got a job dealing with people! Not the smartest decision on my part, but I needed a job and of all the applications I submitted this was the only place that called.  I’ve been working a lot, maybe too much, but I haven’t had any issues.

So, back to today…

I was on my way home from work and a car pulled out in front of me.  I slammed on the brakes but hit him anyway. It’s like he waited for me to get there before pulling out onto the street.  Minor damage to my car, but he’ll probably need a new front quarter panel on the passenger side.  So, of course they wanted to exchange insurance information. 

After I hit him he keeps on going, completing his entry onto the street. I have to follow him two blocks until he pulls off the street, blaring my horn the whole time. I really need a PA system for my car. Actually it’s not even my car, it’s my girlfriends car. I park next to him. I’m out of my car already, standing in front of their car, waiting for the man and his lady friend to get out. One look into the car and I say to myself “great old people, snowbirds”.  (Snowbirds are older retired people who come down to Florida for the winter to use all of our resources, make the cost of everything sky high and we’re  supposed to be thankful they’re here because they provide jobs!) GO HOME!

The man driving is in his 80’s, can’t hear, can’t move too good and needed to have his lady do all the talking and do everything for him.  My anxiety is pretty much topped out now. I raise my hands and ask what happened, why did he pull out? The lady says it was her fault, she told him to go. Then she tried to blame me and say I must have been going like a bat out of hell because she didn’t see me.  What the fuck ever! 

Apparently she thought I was getting too upset because she told me to calm down.  With my history of blowing up at people ,I was extremely calm. Hell yes, I was upset. I was shaking and I wanted to cry. Great reaction, crying, but I didn’t. 

She called the police, they wouldn’t come because no one was hurt.  What the hell is up with that? I called my girlfriend to come because it’s her car.  Short story, she told me I should try to remain calm too. I was doing the best I could. 

That’s the real point of this post. Why do people always tell me to calm down? I HATE THAT! Maybe I’m too upset for your comfort, but to me I was handling it a lot better than I used to. What I would have liked to do was scream at the guy that he was a fucking idiot and so was his friend who was co-piloting! I would have liked to punch someone in the face! I would have liked to collapse and break down in tears because I couldn’t handle the stress and anxious feeling I was experiencing! But I did none of that! 

I was anxious because of the accident, the damage, the probability of insurance going up, anxious because they made me feel this way.Upset that I can’t calm myself down.  Anxious because that’s just me now. I hate me now! 

Do I need to carry my meds with me everywhere I go? I have a pill I’m supposed to take when I feel I’m getting anxiety. I don’t carry them on me because I’d have to carry the whole bottle or, knowing my luck, I’d end up in jail for not having the prescription bottle. I guess I do need to carry them with me every where I go.

Having anxiety sucks!

After all the information had been exchanged I continued on with the evening. Now here I am at 12:30am writing this because I can’t sleep.  Thanks anxiety. Thanks old people. Thanks Kreigh (my brother) for fucking up my life.

Remember I said at the beginning I had been on an even keel? That’s over now! Now I wonder why I’m still here. Why did I start therapy? Why didn’t I just let myself self destruct? Then I wouldn’t have to be dealing with this shit! This shit? Anxiety, depression, diabetes, high blood pressure, the list goes on. Why should I want to stick around for this life? It’s nothing but bullshit.  I’m fucking poor. No insurance, no Medicare or Medicaid. No disability for not being able to function well in society, PTSD. Bullshit! 

Now I can’t sleep. I need to sleep. I have to work. 

Sometimes I just say FUCK IT! 


About Avictimnomore

Lost soul, trying to find myself. Trying to learn to be a survivor of child sexual abuse, the death of my parents when I was a teen, and being disowned by my remaining family.
This entry was posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, brother, Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety, Diabetes, weight, diet, healthy, kidneys, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to ANXIOUS RANT

  1. I so get this. And deeply feel your despair and pain.

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