Down The Rabbit Hole

Today is a day I don’t feel like doing anything I’m supposed to. These days have been growing in intensity. I wish I could say I don’t know why, but I do know why. 

I’ve been trying so hard to fight the feeling, to stay positive. All I want to do now is sleep, or maybe get drunk, which I can’t really accomplish anymore but the desire is there.  The desire for the days when I was younger and wasn’t on any medication.  It’s ruining my ability to get drunk! Back in the old days when I would just drink or smoke my problems away. What problems? Exactly! Oblivious!  That’s where I want to be right now, in oblivian.  

I’m not feeling like fighting the fight.  It’s so exhausting sometimes.  I’m almost ready to quit again. 

It’s like depression and anxiety are my addiction.  I’m a depressionholoc, an anxietyholic.  I try, try, try, to do all the things I’m supposed to do. Do the things that will help me get over these feelings.  I go to all of my therapy sessions, take all my meds, try to be positive, turn the negative around.  Yet, life keeps beating at my door.  “Lisa, come on and play with me.  Depression and anxiety need you.  You know there’s nothing good for you in that other world.  We are always here for you”.

So here I go, down the rabbit hole.  Unlike Alice I didn’t get any psychedelics.  Damn! 

I am seriously sick of this shit! 

Posted in anxiety, child abuse, Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

I really fucking hate my life sometimes. 

I keep trying and trying. Try to be a good person, try to be kind.  Try to learn how to work with my depression and anxiety. Trying to learn how to change the way I feel and react to things.  Try to feel better about myself. I keep going to therapy and going to group, every week. I want to get better. I want to feel healthy. I don’t want to get depressed. I don’t want to have anxiety. 

Yet sometimes, it seems as though life gangs up on me. It’s starts in one area of my life and then moves onto another part. All the while making it increasingly difficult to maintain my composure. To not break out and cry, it not to yell at someone. It becomes increasingly difficult to wake up in the morning and live life like I’m supposed to. It gets more difficult to fend off those suicidal thoughts, the self defeating thoughts, the “I’m not good enough” thoughts, or “I’m just a loser”. 

I go to individual therapy once a week. We discuss and work on all these issues and how my past affects the way I feel and react today. Then we try and correct those negative thoughts. My therapist keeps telling me I’m getting better. Even I can see it sometimes. I even really feel it sometimes. I’m almost happy those times, when I feel better. 

The problem is that there are forces in my life trying to knock me down. Maybe not intentionally, but it’s there. I’m trying so hard to stay out of that big black hole I fell into a few years back, and right now I just want to go there. I want to be in the dark, locked away in my own mind so people can’t hurt me. You’re hurting me, all you people who think I’m not good enough, who think I’m stupid, incompetent, a liar, a cheater.  All you motherfuckers who never have anything nice to say to me or about me. 

Fuck you!

Today is a day I wish I were dead. 

Posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, brother, child abuse, Complex PTSD, death, depression and anxiety, incest, parent death, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Whew!

That was a rough week. One of the shittiest I’ve had in months. I won’t say that it’s all over or I’m all better now, but I do feel a little better and have gained back some control of my emotions. 

I had my regular individual therapy today. Got a few things cleared up in my mind.  Yes, I officially have mommy issues, or as the pro’s like to say, Attachment disorder.  Apparently the initial unattachment with my birth mother was later compounded by my (adoptive) parents dying and then a couple years later my aunt and uncle, subsequently the rest of my adoptive family, disowning me.  Thank you dear aunt, that was a great idea to help me get my life in order, it only fucked up my head more. Hello world of Complex PTSD. (Let’s not forget my dumbass brother (adoptive) molesting me.)

So, with part of my head put back on straight I decided to take some of my medication today. Oddly enough none of my psych meds, just all my physical meds. After getting the results back from my Xray I see that parts of my body are more screwed up than I thought. Nothing wrong with my lungs, but still no explanation of the pain I’ve been having. It was noted that I have borderline heart enlargement. In researching that condition I found out what angina was. Yes, I have that too. More serious of a condition than I thought. 

I really feel like I am not long for this world. Not really too disappointing since I hate this life anyway. But, I’d rather be the one who makes the decision when I leave this world. 

I’m really struggling with the whole point of this life. No, I am not actively pursuing the thought of suicide. I just don’t want to be here. 

Posted in adoption, adult survivor of child abuse, brother, child abuse, Complex PTSD, death, depression and anxiety, Diabetes, weight, diet, healthy, kidneys, incest, love, parent death, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide prevention, Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Worried? 

For those of you
friends and family who may be worried about me and my experiment and rested sure that so far my numbers are all good. And I realize it’s only been a day or so but so far so good  

Thank you everybody who listens to my ramblings and cares about me. 

Posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, child abuse, Complex PTSD, depression and anxiety, Diabetes, weight, diet, healthy, kidneys, Healthy, incest, parent death, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Crazy Experiment? 

I went off my meds today. I actually started last night with my 5pm pills being the last of the day. No insulin or METFORMIN before bed. 

No high blood pressure pills. No anxiety meds or depression meds. I take so many pills for so many things but let me try to list them here…… METFORMIN, glyburide, insulin, metoprolol, verapamil,  Lexapro, cerebrex?, levothroxine, citalopram, adderall. I think that might be it. 

I feel like my mind has been so fucked up this last week or two. Really is this going to hurt or help me?  It might take a few days or weeks to find the answer. I kind of feel like a person with bi-polar disorder when they go off their meds. 

I have discovered this week, as I mentioned in my last post, that I am not as great as I thought I was. I don’t think my shit is together the tiny bit that I thought it was. 

So far, on my first day of this “experiment” my sugar is ok and my blood pressure is good. Those things are in the range they’re supposed to be. It helps that I haven’t eaten, except for dinner tonight. I have had my protein drink for breakfast and lunch. So yes, I am getting nutrients. Yay me!

I swore I wasn’t going to talk so much and share my feelings either, but here I am. You’re different. You understand. 

So I’m curious, how will this little experiment work out?  Can I manage my depression and emotions on my own without medication? The odds are stacked against me on that one. Not a good track record for sure. Am I going to be able to maintain control of my blood sugar? Maybe, if I quit eating. 😀 Am I going to keep my blood pressure down? Chances of that seem good since I’m not eating any sodium.  Really how clogged up is my heart and veins, arteries and whatever?  Who knows? It’s been a while since I’ve had a heart cath. 

Other than that, is this really just an experiment or passive suicide?
Just thoughts in my head. No worries.  

Posted in anxiety, child abuse, death, depression and anxiety, Diabetes, weight, diet, healthy, kidneys, PTSD, suicide, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

The fall from Grandeur

The past few days have really sucked. I feel like shit. I think now that I am not as great of a person as I thought I was. Disappointing. I’m not as understanding as I thought, not as non-judge mental as I thought. Probably not as kind as I thought. 
Seems as though I had grandiose thoughts of myself. That seems like some sort of problem I need to look into. That along with many others. 
Maybe I’m arrogant. 
I should be more humble. 
I need to listen more. 
Where have I gone wrong?
When did this attitude start? 
How did it develop?
I have a lot of learning to do. 
I wish I could be locked up until I learn, to survive, to have a relationship, how to act. All these things without the bother of life. I find it too difficult to try and learn and process these things and live life too. 
I’m getting tired again. 
I keep wanting to give up. Especially when I’m failing. 
Why the fuck am I here? 

Delusions of grandeur: This is phrase that is utilized to describe a specific delusion (“false belief despite significant contradictory evidence”) in which a person believes they are grandiose (“impressive, high ranking, or superior to others”).

Delusions Of Grandeur: Causes, Symptoms, Treatment
 

Delusions of grandeur are false beliefs held by an individual in which they believe with full conviction that they are a celebrity, person of high rank, omnipotent, and/or a powerful entity – despite significant evidence to the contrary. Imagine waking up one day thinking that you’re the president of the United States, despite the fact that you’re homeless and living on the streets. This would be an example of a grandiose delusion – your perceived sense of importance becomes inflated for no legitimate reason.
What are delusions of grandeur? Definition.
Below is a technical breakdown of the terms “delusion,” “grandeur” and the phrase “delusions of grandeur.” By defining each term separately from the phrase, it may help some people realize that grandeur is not always associated with delusions.
Delusion: This is a term used to describe a false belief that is held with full conviction, despite significant contradictory evidence. In other words, it is a belief held despite irrefutable logical, rational, and/or scientific evidence in opposition to a particular belief.
Grandeur: This is a term that signifies being impressive, awesome, or magnificent. A professional athlete may be described as “grandiose” in regards to being of significant talent. In reference to a professional athlete, highly-skilled person, celebrity, or president – the associated grandeur is not delusional.
Delusions of grandeur: This is phrase that is utilized to describe a specific delusion (“false belief despite significant contradictory evidence”) in which a person believes they are grandiose (“impressive, high ranking, or superior to others”).
What causes delusions of grandeur?
It is difficult to pinpoint a specific cause for delusions of grandeur. There is significant evidence associated with brain lesions, specifically to the frontal lobe and grandiose delusions. That said, a variety of other factors may play a role including: drug use, genetics, medical conditions, neurotransmitter concentrations, and receptor density.
Brain anatomy: Delusions may be a result of anatomical abnormalities in the brain. Research has suggested that the amygdala, fronto-striatal circuits, and parietal cortices are most likely to play a role in the development of delusions. Anatomical abnormalities can lead to processing errors in these regions, which can perception and make an individual more prone to delusions.
Brain injuries: Those that have endured a brain injury or multiple brain injuries may be more prone to delusions. Although injuries to any area of the brain may increase delusional susceptibility, the frontal lobes are most commonly linked to delusions of grandeur.
Frontal lobes: Individuals that have lesions in the frontal lobes are known to be increasingly susceptible to delusions of grandeur.

Temporal lobes: Those with lesions of the temporal lobes may be more likely to experience delusions of grandeur.

Drugs: Those that have used or abused drugs may experience delusions of grandeur as a side effect. This is particularly common in cases of drug-induced psychosis. Those that experience delusions of grandeur upon ingestion of drugs often have taken a stimulatory agent that affects dopamine. The drastic increase of dopamine may provoke a stimulant-psychosis characterized by elevated mood and grandiose delusions.
It should also be mentioned that some individuals may be susceptible to experiencing grandiose delusions during drug withdrawal. An example of a drug that is known to induce mania is that of levodopa (L-Dopa), a medication utilized among those with Parkinson’s to treat cognitive impairment. Most drugs that cause delusions of grandeur tend to simultaneously induce a manic or hypomanic state.
Genetics: It has been suggested that certain genetic polymorphisms may result in delusions of grandeur. In particular, researchers believe that polymorphisms of genes related to dopamine receptors are the culprit. Some studies point out tha paranoid schizophrenia and delusional disorders may stem from HLA (human leukocyte antigen) genes, which could influence grandiose delusions.
Hemispheric activation: In early studies of individuals with delusions, it was believed that the delusions were caused by overactivation or underactivation of a particular hemisphere. First, researchers speculated that right hemisphere impairment was the predominant cause of delusions. Upon further analysis, it appears that the actual cause of delusions stems from excessive activity in the left hemisphere.
Neurotransmitter concentrations: Those with abnormally high concentrations of certain neurotransmitters may result in delusions of grandeur. It is believed that high dopamine levels are responsible for causing delusions, especially among individuals with schizophrenia. For this reason, professionals administer atypical antipsychotics which act as dopamine antagonists.
Receptor density: The densities of receptors for neurotransmitters may play a role in facilitating delusional states. One theory is that certain regions of the brain lack adequate dopaminergic receptors, thus leading to an overabundance of dopamine and causing delusions and/or hallucinations. Those with reductions in receptor density, particularly of dopamine may be increasingly susceptible to delusions of grandeur.
Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20198522

Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16786814

Source: http://www.springer.com/us/book/9781493910700

Do delusions of grandeur serve a functional purpose?
**Some believe that delusions of grandeur may serve a functional purpose such as helping a person cope with severely damaged self-esteem and/or depressive feelings. In most cases of grandiose delusions, an individual is not suicidal, thus it should be speculated that the delusions may be helping protect a person’s (potentially damaged) ego. In other cases, the delusions may not have a functional purpose, rather they may be a manifestation of a particular mood or a byproduct of hallucinations.
**Defense mechanism: It is though that some people may experience grandiose delusions to protect their ego from severely low self-esteem and/or major depression. Those experiencing delusions of grandeur tend to experience a temporarily inflated sense of self-importance, thus counteracting the severely low self esteem or depressive emotions. For this reason, many therapists are warned to weigh the pros and cons associated with eliminating the grandiose delusions, as elimination may result in severe depression.
Expansive delusions: In some cases, the grandiose delusions may be a byproduct of hallucinatory experiences. In cases of schizophrenia, the delusions may not be mood-congruent, but may be related to the hallucination. These are classified as “expansive” due to the fact that they expand upon the hallucination such as hearing voices. An example would be a person experiencing paranoid schizophrenia and hearing a voice that tells them they are really Jesus Christ.
Mood-induced: Those with exaggerated emotions, such as an individual exhibiting bipolar mania may experience mood-induced delusions. In this case, the delusions are thought to be a direct result of the person’s mood, and may serve to express the euphoria that the individual is feeling. Someone experiencing grandiose delusions as a result of an inflated mood would be classified as exhibiting “mood-congruent” delusions.
Conditions associated with delusions of grandeur
There are a variety of psychiatric conditions associated with grandiose delusions. Predominantly, delusions of grandeur are exhibited among individuals with bipolar disorder and schizophrenia. It is speculated that any conditions associated with mania (or hypomania) can induce delusions of grandeur.
Bipolar disorder: It is estimated that up to 3/5 individuals with bipolar disorder will experience delusions of grandeur. Bipolar disorder is a condition characterized by transitions from a “high” mood (mania) to a low mood (depression). During the manic phase, individuals may feel a heightened sense of self-worth accompanied by delusions of grandeur.
In the case of bipolar disorder, grandiose delusions are considered “mood-congruent delusions” in that they manifest from the manic (or hypomanic) state. During manic or hypomanic phases, it is believed that brain activity changes, brain waves speed up, and neurotransmitter concentrations change; particularly levels of dopamine.
**Delusional disorder: This is a psychiatric condition in which a person experiences delusions, but doesn’t have a mood disorder, psychosis, or a thought disorder. Additionally, the individual experiences these delusions without consumption of alcohol or ingestion of drugs. While not everyone with delusional disorder experiences delusions of grandeur, some individuals do.
**Depression: Some individuals with major depressive disorder may end up experiencing delusions of grandeur. In fact, an estimated 21% of those diagnosed with major depression are thought to experience grandiose delusions. The grandiose delusions may be short-lived and/or related to neurochemistry and possibly medications.
**Drug abuse: Those that abuse drugs may end up with delusions of grandeur as a result of drug-induced brain alterations. Many drugs are capable of altering concentrations of neurotransmitters, regional activity, and receptor densities. Long-term abuse may result in death of brain cells and/or a prolonged recovery period during which delusions of grandeur are experienced.
**Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD): This is a personality disorder characterized by an inflated sense of self-worth and/or feel inherently superior to others. Not all individuals diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder experience delusions of grandeur. Although many narcissists have grandiose fantasies or an obsession with power over others (megalomania) – this is not the same as a delusion. That said, it is still possible for someone with a narcissistic personality to exhibit grandiose delusions.

Neurodegenerative diseases: Those with neurodegenerative diseases such as: Alzheimer’s disease, Huntington’s disease, Parkinson’s disease, and (a related condition) Wilson’s disease, may experience delusions of grandeur. Although the percentage of individuals that experience grandiose delusions as a result of neurodegenerative diseases is relatively small, it can occur. It is believed that circuitry damage, loss of brain volume, and neurotransmitter deficiencies play a role in causing these delusions among those with neurodegeneration.
**PTSD: It is known that some people with PTSD experience manic and/or hypomanic symptoms that mimic those of bipolar disorder. These manic and hypomanic symptoms are a result of an overactivated sympathetic nervous system in which the stimulatory response inhibits the body’s ability to relax (i.e. the parasympathetic nervous system). It is already well-documented that psychotic symptoms (such as delusions) can manifest as a result of PTSD. It is totally feasible for delusions of grandeur to occur among individuals diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder.
Schizophrenia: It is estimated that up to 50% of all individuals with schizophrenia have experienced delusions of grandeur. Schizophrenia is a condition characterized by loss of contact with reality. Both hallucinations and delusions are characterized as positive symptoms of schizophrenia or experiences that don’t occur in normal, healthy individuals.
The delusions of grandeur experienced among those with schizophrenia are often related directly to the hallucinations that they report. If they hear a voice (auditory hallucination) or see an entity (visual hallucination), they may claim that they just talked to Jesus Christ. Of all diagnosable types of schizophrenia, delusions of grandeur tend to occur most frequently among those with paranoid schizophrenia.
A person with the paranoid subtype may believe that they are the CEO of a company, extremely rich, were sent on a special mission from Jesus Christ, is a celebrity, or ruler of a country. The more common delusions of grandeur among those with paranoid schizophrenia tend to have religious themes.

Below is a list of symptoms associated with grandiose delusions. Keep in mind that these are the symptoms as defined by the DSM-IV.
Knowledge: A person believes that they have more knowledge or insight than other people.

*Self-worth: A person exhibits exaggerated self-worth, and believes that they are of higher rank or superior to others. They may act as if they should be first-in-line at a restaurant or should be given top priority over others due to their high degree of worth.
Some data has been compiled in regards to which conditions are most associated with delusions of grandeur. Understand that the list below does not include the percentage of individuals diagnosed with “delusional disorder.”

Mental Disorders

Bipolar disorder: (59%) Approximately 3/5 individuals with bipolar disorder are thought to experience delusions of grandeur. There appears to be an association based on a person’s age. Nearly 3/4 individuals under the age of 21 diagnosed with bipolar disorder experienced delusions of grandeur upon onset, while only 2/5 individuals over the age of 30 have this experience during onset of the disorder.

Schizophrenia: (49%) Nearly 1/2 individuals diagnosed with schizophrenia experience grandiose delusions. These delusions are most likely to occur among those with the paranoid subtype of schizophrenia.

Drug abuse: (30%) Among those that have abused drugs, nearly 1/3 individuals has experienced delusions of grandeur. These delusions may have occurred while intoxicated or upon discontinuation (withdrawal) from a particular drug.

Depression: (21%) Some statistics demonstrate that nearly 2/5 individuals with major depressive disorder may be prone to delusions of grandeur. While it would seem unlikely that a person could feel an inflated sense of self worth during a depressive phase, it has been reported.

General population: (10%) Among the general population, it is thought that nearly 1/10 people experience thoughts of grandiosity, but these do not fit the DSM-IV criteria for delusions of grandeur.

Other Factors

In addition to specific mental illnesses, delusions of grandeur tend to be more likely based on socioeconomic status, educational advancement, marital status, and eldest siblings.
Socioeconomic status: Grandiose delusions with supernatural or religious themes tend to occur more often among those of high socioeconomic status. Some reports suggest that all types of grandiose delusions are more likely to occur among individuals of higher social status.

Educational advancement: In addition to social status, delusions of grandeur were found to occur at greater rates based on educational advancement. The more an individual has progressed through the educational system, the greater likelihood of grandiose delusions.

Marital status: Those who are single tend to experience grandiose delusions at a greater rate compared to those who are married or in relationships.

Older siblings: Research shows that the eldest siblings are most likely to experience grandiose delusions compared to the youngest ones.

Men vs. Women: Rates of grandiose delusions are thought to be equal based on sex (male vs. female).

Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/21482326

Source: http://bjp.rcpsych.org/content/108/457/747
Delusions of Grandeur Treatment
Those that experience grandiose delusions may be treated with medication, therapy, and/or other medical intervention. If there is a specific condition that is causing the delusions (e.g. Parkinson’s), steps are generally taken to treat that condition rather than the delusional symptoms. Therapy is thought to be more effective for some individuals than others.
Antipsychotics: Among those with schizophrenia, antipsychotics may be the preferred option for treating delusions of grandeur. These drugs work as dopamine antagonists, decreasing dopaminergic activation in the brain. In many cases, these will simultaneously minimize both delusions and any associated hallucinations.

CBT: In some cases, CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy is used to help individuals cope with grandiose delusions. In a therapy session, a psychotherapist may use a technique known as “inference chaining.” This is a questioning tool that uses rationality and logic to help combat the delusional perception. Another technique known as “thought linkage” involves a therapist continuously asking a patient to explain jumping from thought-to-thought.

Hospitalization: In cases where an individual may experience grandiose delusions as a result of drug abuse, hospitalization may be required to address physical symptoms. During this time a professional psychotherapist may attempt to address some of the delusions that are experienced until the individual comes down from their “high.”

Mood stabilizers: Drugs that stabilize mood may be effective to treat delusions of grandeur among those with bipolar disorder. An example of a mood stabilizer is that of Lithium – a drug that works to prevent manic highs and depressive lows. By stabilizing the mood, an individual is less prone to experiencing mania induced grandiosity.

Treating underlying medical condition: Any other medical condition such as a neurodegenerative disease, vitamin deficiency, tumor, or thyroid problem may contribute to delusions of grandeur. Once the medical condition is effectively treated, the delusions generally subside.

Source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/10665619

 

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Growing pains

Here I am again. I’m hoping that one day I will be writing when I feel good or when something good happens, not when I’m depressed or have had a bad day. 

I believe I mentioned previously that I have been kind of sad and sentimental. It has only gotten worse as the days go on. Missing people and previous relationships (platonic) family and friends. I say I miss my mom but she died while I was a teenager and never got to have a deep mother daughter relationship. I still miss the relationship with my mother that should have been. 

So, in my saddened state, I reach out to my girlfriend – miscommunication, I reach out to my previous therapist – feeling stupid now, reach out to my aunt who kicked me out of the family – why do I set myself up for disappointment. 

 I have been talking to my current therapist the past few days. She helps me see the light. Still feeling a need for connection I reach out to all theses other people. Nothing is really satisfying. What is wrong with me? Why do I keep doing this to myself? I talked with my therapist twice today and still I had to ask for a special appointment to see her. I just couldn’t get a grip on my emotions. Besides feeling sad to begin with that just pisses me off. I hate not being able to get control of my emotions. 

I had a very good session with her. Explained a lot, helped me reason through my feelings.  She says it’s all part of healing and growing from my trauma.  My CPTSD?  Yay me!

I always need need need somebody. Not to do things for me, but to be there for me, to comfort me, to mommy me. That’s it! That’s my big problem (one of them).  I’m always looking, wanting my mommy.  I can’t have her. I didn’t have a mommy when I was an infant and got taken away. I did have a mommy for 12 years, I loved her very much, but there are issues there, like the lack of any psychological help after my abuse by my brother. The lack of any nurturing or understanding from my aunt and uncle who were left to care for me the last year and a half, until I turned 18. And boy did I get cut loose after that. 

All I want is someone to listen to me, not to judge or tell me what to do. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything’s going to be alright. I’ve always felt that I needed that too much. That to expect and want that from someone is too much.  So, my therapist agrees, I have mommy issues. 

I totally misunderstood her before because I thought she didn’t think that was a big deal, because she reasoned it away as it being understandable that I felt that way.  I find out today that apparently it IS as big issue. 

We will be delving into that soon. I can’t wait.  I can’t wait to get over all this shit I feel! 

Posted in adult survivor of child abuse, anxiety, brother, child abuse, depression and anxiety, incest, love, parent death, PTSD, sexual abuse, suicide, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , | 2 Comments

Therapy

Today is one of those days. I’ve been having “one of those days” since last Friday. Really, it probably all started with Mother’s Day. All the pictures and memories of my mom and grandmother. Got me really thinking a lot. 

I keep a journal of all my important thoughts and happenings so I remember to discuss them with my therapist on Tuesday. The good thing about talking to a therapist, if you have a good one, is they listen intently, never make you feel bad or stupid and will usually be able to rationalize those thoughts. Not so much with many people I’m able to talk to in my daily life. Some people prefer not to talk about it at all and others just don’t understand. 

Many times I have a sense of loneliness because it feels like I don’t have anyone to talk to throughout the week. I know it’s a lot for people in my life to constantly hear about how I’m feeling. I’m sure my depression and PTSD are a lot to handle. That being said, I feel that it is very important to be able to share my thoughts and feelings and visa versa in any relationship that is meaningful.  Doesn’t it help in the understanding of each other?  

I find the therapist/patient relationship a difficult one. Not necessarily at the time I am seeing that particular therapist, but after that relationship is over. Usually, in my case, when they move on to another job or position. 

After talking about this with my therapist today, she assures me that it is perfectly normal to have feelings of sadness and missing your previous therapist. After all, look at the relationship that you develop with that person. Trusting them with your innermost secrets and feelings. Opening up, being vulnerable to another person who never hurts you or belittles your feelings. That’s a meaningful relationship that I think everyone wants and desires in their life. 

I’m kind of like a dog. I have separation anxiety issues. I’ve always lost anyone meaningful to me in the past and I’m tired of it. 

I know I am going to deeply miss my therapist when she moves on but hopefully that won’t be for some time. At least not until I’m ready would be nice. 

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TheMighty.com

This is a story I submitted to themighty.com. To share a story that someone may not know about your illness or disability. It’s quite an interesting website and I encourage you to check it out and maybe even submit a story. I don’t know yet if my story will be accepted but I’ve decided to share it with you anyway, because it’s mine.  
My name is Lisa. I have MDD, PTSD and Anxiety.
Every day in my life; I wake up not wanting to wake up. Not wanting to start another day. What awful thing will happen today? Will I get fired? Will someone be disappointed in me, mad at me, done with me? Will you hate me today? Will you still love me today? Will you leave me today? 
I don’t want to leave the house. What if I get into an accident? What if I hit an animal while driving? I couldn’t live with that. That would devastate me. OMG! I just saw a dead animal on the side of the road, how sad. Why were those people so careless, so stupid. Idiots! Poor little animal. I hate people. Why doesn’t anyone care? I almost cry. 
I just want to sleep all day. I’m nervous. What if I say or do something stupid? Why aren’t you talking to me? What did I do now? Why don’t you like me anymore? 
Even when I make it through a day without crying or having an anxiety attack, as night approaches I’m tired I want to go to bed. I can’t sleep. I worry what tomorrow will bring. Rehash in my mind what happened today. What kind of stupid thing did I say and to who? Will they still like me tomorrow? Did I say too much? Did I share too much of my feelings? Was that normal? Appropriate? What is appropriate? Are my feelings for you normal? Do I like you too much? Do you think I like you too much? Am I too attached? Do I need you too much? Do I want to talk to you too much? Be with you too much? 
Why don’t you like me as much as I like you? Nobody likes me! Time to crash. It’s 1:30 a.m. now. 

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Kind Words

Yesterday I had individual therapy. Even though we talked about things I’d done in the past that still doesn’t
make me feel very good about myself, I left feeling pretty decent. I wasn’t sad or depressed, or disgusted with myself. I do feel a little more fragile than usual on Tuesdays. We talk about a lot of deep stuff. Maybe my feelings are a little closer to the edge that day. I’m busy quietly processing all that was discussed that hour. How it affected me in the past and how it affects me now. 
I wish people close to me would realize this and maybe be gentle with me on Tuesdays. I guess I need to straight out tell them. 

Today I went to my Primary to officially get the results of my latest blood work and for her to see how my bp was doing on my new meds. New bp meds seem to be working. Thankfully my kidneys seem to be working also. Apparently it was the one blood pressure med (lisinopril) that was affecting my kidneys since my tests were good since being taken off of it. 

Her next question for me was about my evaluation for depression, which they do every visit, even though I have been clinically diagnosed with MDD, PTSD and anxiety. She asked if this was pretty much the way it is going to be. I said, yes you shouldn’t even bother asking me those questions every time. Lol. She wanted to make sure I had a plan of what to do and who to talk to if I felt suicidal. I thought she was going to ask if I had a plan to end it. I said yes. She’s like No No don’t tell me that. Lol. She’s pretty cool. She wanted to know if I had a plan of action for when I felt really depressed or suicidal. 

I don’t really feel like there are that many people who I can talk to. People who are close to you just get mad at you, take it personal or want to tell you what to do. I kind of feel like I’m always wanting someone to be my mommy. Like a mom might just listen and hold you until you feel better. I really miss that.  So, after making sure I was ok, she said that I could reach out to her any time I needed. That was really nice of her, and I truly do believe she would be there for me if I needed. 

It’s really nice when people show that they care about you and your well-being. I know we can all use as many supporters as we can get. 

As I told her and my therapist, I feel pretty decent most of the time. I’m trying really hard not to let the words and actions of others upset me too much. Sure, they still upset me but it only takes me one day to mostly get over it. I’m also trying not to let their words destroy my feeling of self worth. I’ve had enough of that damage done to me when I was younger. 

I think all of this hard work is starting to pay off a little. Still, there is a lot more work to do. 

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